What NOT To Do. True SQL Confessions.

February 24th, 2010
by The Grateful DBA

I just love irony…

Flipping through the channel guide last night and I came across TLC’s What Not to Wear. Reminded me of the hilarious meme floating around the SQL Twitter community yesterday regarding SQL confessions. Basically, we were “baring our soul” and confessing to committing some of the cardinal of database sins. And while the conversation was 110% tongue-in-cheek, it occurred to me that just like the yentas on TLC telling you what not to wear, this thread is in essence an excellent guide on what NOT to do with SQL. Seriously, here we have some of the best SQL minds in the world not only having a blast and amusing the crap out of anyone following the hashtag, but also teaching us valuable lessons. Albeit in a backwards offhanded manner, but nonetheless I see a tremendous amount of wisdom if one can remember to look at it correctly.

So, I repost just a small percentage of the wackiness that ensued yesterday with a few stipulations. First and MOST IMPORTANT; this is not a list of advice from me. PLEASE don’t go running into the IT Director’s office and insist all your company’s clients databases get converted to Access, just because the Grateful DBA posted it. But…maybe it will get you to think once or twice when a client is starting to hint that maybe they’d prefer an Access solution because they’ve already forked out coin for Office.

Second, while I’m all for giving credit where credit is due…99% of the time, I think this may be the exception to the rule. While this is all in good fun, I shudder at the thought of some lazy slob happening upon this blog and seeing a highly respected MVP’s name next to something outrageously ridiculous and taking it out of context. To avoid any possibility of that, I’m not including any author names here. Understand these are all “overheards,” and only a couple of them were written by myself. If you’re truly industrious I suppose you could do Twitter searches for the phrases below and determine who wrote them. If you do, I say you have too much time on your hands.

So, enjoy this list of true SQL confessions. And like I stated, while these are all meant as jokes, I honestly believe there’s a lot to be gained by slapping on the ol’ irony glasses and examining exactly what they’re trying to tell you.

  • “I shrunk a database last week.”
  • “I ran DBCC CHECKDB in production without telling anyone.”
  • “I go in the server room and pull random wires as soon as I go off call.”
  • “I sneak cursors into others’ code.”
  • “I have a production account whose username and password are the same.”
  • “I have tlogs on RAID 5.”
  • “My sa password is sa.”
  • “A query I wrote yesterday not only uses dynamic sql but in a loop executing it hundreds of times.”
  • “I’ve made developers sysadmin in production so they could push code changes without testing them.”
  • “I used rollback within a trigger.”
  • “I eat bacon 3 meals a day.”
  • “I sometimes do exactly the thing I tell you not to in my blogs.”
  • “I run CHECKPOINT every 2 seconds.”
  • “I used a cross join to fill a table variable.”
  • “When my tempdb drive fills up, I hook up a USB drive and create a new tempdb file there.”
  • “I randomly kill other people’s queries, just to make my day interesting.”
  • “I’ve turned off database mirroring on all production sql servers as a quick fix for performance issues.”
  • “I’m not really a DBA…but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”
  • “I am not a DBA, but I sleep with one.
  • “I don’t enforce refferential integrity . Chaos is much more fun.”
  • “I play Lady Gaga without remorse before presentations now.” (Breaking my rule; giving @SQLChicken credit for this one)
  • “I’ve given a developer db_owner just to shut them up.”
  • “I like clustered GUIDs. They make it really easy to speed up a database. By unclustering them.”
  • “I tried installing SQL 2008 on Microsoft Bob.”

Have a Grateful day…Troy

Tags: , ,
Posted in Best Practices | Comments (3)

  • Awesome, I’m glad you thought to write these down…and to include the hashtag link! Well done….

    (BTW, I’m #4 🙂

  • SQLKnight says:

    Good post. And hopefully people learn what not to do from this list.

    Mine (sysadmin one) was true also but I did it begrudgingly because the CEO told me to do it, even if the IT Director said no too (even after both of us protesting). They later learned their lesson when a website went down due to a developer pushing code without telling me 😉

    The morale of my example, stick to your guns when you know something is not good for the database(s)/server(s) and your company.

  • Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by sqlknight: Sweet, mine made the list 😉 RT @GratefulDBA: [Blog] “What NOT To Do. True SQL Confessions” http://bit.ly/bfn1q6 #sqlconfessions…

  • Leave a Reply

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

    Get Adobe Flash player